Welcome back to our Self-Advocacy Around the Holidays Series, where we will be taking a self-advocate-centered focus on navigating the stresses and challenges of the holiday season. Supporters and allies reading this post may also find some helpful information for offering assistance or responding to the stated needs of an Autistic person they are supporting. 

In Part 1, we focused on centering our own wants and needs, even when we might know it’s not possible to achieve all of them. In Part 2, we talked about changes, expectations, and obligations, and how we can manage each. 

In Part 3, we will bring those two important realities together as we talk about setting priorities.

Let’s take a closer look at our wants, needs, and obligations to see how we can better set our priorities based on our reality!

Prioritizing wants and needs can be a tricky business. What is most achievable? What is most important? Ranking something lower on your priority list doesn’t necessarily mean you are giving it up. Rather, it can help inform your decision-making when you find yourself in a situation where you are forced to choose. 

You may want the 23rd off, but are willing to work that day so you can go to your friend’s party on the 24th. You may need ways to limit sensory overload during the holidays, but you want to find ways to mitigate them to attend certain fun events. 

Ranking priorities may sometimes help us make the difficult decision of giving something up, but can also help us compromise, negotiate, and work toward getting more of the things we want and need every year.

If it helps to lump a number of wants and needs into a single tier or category, that is always a viable option too! When choosing what to prioritize, it might be helpful to consider some of the following questions:

• What are the things most important to me that I cannot compromise on?

• What are the things I would advocate for strongly but could give up if I absolutely had to?

• What are the things I would like and advocate for, but may or may not have the energy for?

• What are things I want that I don’t really expect or plan to do anything about, they would just be nice to have?

The good news about changes, expectations, and obligations is that we do not necessarily need to rank them in terms of priority (though you are certainly welcome to do so if you’d like!). 

The bad news is we must still think about how best to navigate them, but we can still make informed choices on what strategy we want to use based on our own priorities and what we are willing to advocate for. When considering each individual change, expectation, or obligation, it can also help to write out a perceived consequence for ignoring that thing. 

The reasons for doing so are not to scare ourselves, but to remind ourselves that we always have a choice and maintain an awareness of how all of our choices will affect our ability to meet our wants and needs. Some people may feel more obliged to attend family events because of the support they receive from family members throughout the year. 

The best choice in the end is what is right for you, which is why it is so helpful to have as much information as possible when making a choice. So let’s take a closer look at some questions we might ask ourselves while making that choice:

When comparing a change, expectation, or obligation to your priority list, it can be helpful to ask yourself some questions to help inform whether you may need to draw a line, find a way to compromise, or focus on the things most important to you. Some questions to consider:

• Does this change/expectation/obligation conflict with any of my wants or needs?

• How will it conflict with those wants or needs? Can it be fixed with communication?

• Which wants or needs do I have the energy to advocate for?

• Am I willing to accept the consequences of failing to meet this change/expectation/obligation to prioritize my want or need?

We hope this post has offered a helpful framework for navigating the difficult question of when to prioritize ourselves and when to do what we need to do to get through. It can be a new, tricky challenge every year with no right answers, and if you’d like to share your experience at hello@autismgrownup.com, then we would love to hear from you! In the meantime, stay tuned for Part 4, where we will discuss some self-advocacy strategies.