Welcome back to our Self-Advocacy Around the Holidays Series, where we are taking a self-advocate-centered focus on navigating the stresses and challenges of the holiday season. Supporters and allies reading this post may also find some helpful information for offering assistance or responding to the stated needs of an Autistic person they are supporting. 

In Part 1, we honed in on centering our own needs and wants as self-advocates, and in Part 2, we will be taking a closer look at the many changes, expectations, and obligations that can come with the holiday season.

Even as we centered our needs and wants at the beginning of this series, we are sure many readers wondered whether they would really benefit from doing so, perhaps feeling like it might not even matter when the holiday can simultaneously be so loose and chaotic yet rigid and demanding. 

It’s true that there may be times when all we feel able to do is focus on getting through the situation at hand and worrying about our needs later. It can also be helpful to try to break down the chaos of the holidays into more manageable categories so we can begin to choose whether there are some situations where we can more carefully consider our wants and needs. 

So let’s take a look at the big umbrella of holiday chaos in three slightly more manageable buckets: changes, expectations, and obligations.

Sometimes things simply change during the holidays, whether we like it or not. Maybe public transit is affected by seasonal crowds. Maybe the change in daylight saving time impacts some people more than others. Maybe there is a big fireworks show every year at the park next to your apartment! Anything on your holiday list that just happens with or without your input can go in this bucket. Changes can be especially frustrating because we likely have to deal with them regardless of whether or not we are excited to participate in any holiday activities.

One silver lining to the non-negotiability of change is that we still have plenty of control over how we manage and react to it. It is important to accept that some changes are inevitable, but also that accepting change does not prohibit us from feeling frustrated or finding ways to cope to the best of our ability. Coping is also a contextual word, and how you cope may depend on exactly how the change in question affects you. 

You may find you cope by ordering a doughnut every morning, even though it would normally just be a special treat, just to alleviate some of the stress associated with more crowded public transit. You may be aware that the increased noise levels will create a specific sensory issue, and you cope by wearing earplugs on the train when it’s more crowded. You may realize that you’re going to have to choose between sleep and doing your whole personal routine some mornings, and try to make that choice consciously based on how you feel each day. 

“Expectations” is a broad way to describe the way people hope we will or think we should act during the holiday season. Whether it is adhering to a specific tradition, attending a particular event, interacting with certain individuals, or spending a certain amount of time and resources, the expectations we face during the holiday season are defined by the people around us. 

While sometimes the expectations placed upon us overlap with our interests, we are here to focus on the expectations that run counter to what we might choose to do on our own. The frustrating part of unwanted expectations is that we are forced to interact with them, either by complying or by the confrontation that can come with refusing to comply or asking to be excused. 

On the other hand, expectations are more negotiable than changes or obligations, and in many cases, it is up to us whether we want to fulfill them, even if refusing to do so might entail some negative consequences. Expectations can be a difficult part of the holiday for many people, but we can find ways to navigate them and decide where active self-advocacy strategies may be more worthwhile.

One helpful tool for navigating expectations is to identify a friend or family member who is supportive and can help talk through weighing the pros and cons of discussing a particular expectation, trying to compromise, or setting boundaries. Realistically, we may not have the energy to argue over every expectation placed upon us and may need to prioritize the things that are most important, and a supporter you trust can help with talking through what is most important and, in some cases, may even be able to help with advocating alongside you or on your behalf. 

Another helpful strategy can be to hone in on the things you find most bothersome about particular expectations and consider ways you might be able to negotiate meeting those expectations without having to engage in the parts you do not like. The most important thing to remember is that it is OK to not like or want to participate in certain traditions just because someone thinks you should.

Obligations draw a much sharper line than expectations, and you might put things in this category that you know you are not getting out of, however much you might want to or should be able to. Obligations might include being made to work on particular days because we can’t afford to lose our jobs. They might include family traditions that we cannot avoid because they occur in our living space, or because our family absolutely insists on our going. 

Sometimes obligations soften into expectations over time, and sometimes expectations turn into obligations, but we are ultimately the best judges of those obligations that we simply must meet because the circumstances demand it. We may be able to negotiate the terms of our obligations to some degree, but we must also find ways to cope with the reality.

Managing obligations can entail negotiating with work ahead of time to identify which days off we most prioritize, knowing we won’t get all of them. It might mean making sure the family brings your safe food to the extended family gathering, so you know you’ll have something you can eat. 

It might entail asking your partner about a decompression space you can use at the work event you are attending with them. While the obligations we face may not always be entirely on our terms, the terms we are able to make for ourselves can make a big difference!

We hope this post has offered some helpful starting points in breaking down the changes, expectations, and obligations of the holiday season into more manageable pieces. You are ultimately the best judge of your own situation, including what is feasible and how much energy you have to focus on your list of priorities. 

If you would like to share how you have navigated changes, expectations, or obligations during the holiday season, we would love to hear from you! Just drop us a line at hello@autismgrownup.com, and we will be back next week to talk more about setting priorities in Part 3!