Welcome to our Self-Advocacy Around the Holidays Series, where we will be taking a self-advocate-centered focus on navigating the stresses and challenges of the holiday season. Supporters and allies reading this post may also find some helpful information for offering assistance or responding to the stated needs of an Autistic person they are supporting. 

In Part 1, we will be starting the way that the vast majority of conversations around self-advocacy should start: with the wants and needs of the person practicing self-advocacy!

Centering our own wants and needs around the holidays can be a complicated process in the context of the social, work, traditional, and familial expectations we might face. The holidays sometimes ask that we center our wants in ways we wouldn’t think of during the rest of the year and might not even be that interested in doing, like asking for presents or taking time off. 

Other times, the holidays might ask us to strictly adhere to a tradition, because that’s the way it’s always been done in this [family/school/town/state/country/etc]. 

Some reading this might have grown accustomed to setting aside their own wants and needs by default, because going against the expectations associated with the holidays is just too much.

In this post, we are not asking you to stand up and loudly demand every little thing you can think of (though if you’d like to loudly advocate for yourself, we certainly encourage it!). Rather, our aim is to encourage you to maintain an awareness of your own wants and needs and treat them as a valid and worthwhile objective in the context of the holiday season. 

We know that sometimes it is difficult to practice self-advocacy when doing so might entail a major argument or other consequences out of your control, and it is entirely up to you what is worth your time and effort. With that in mind, let’s think about how to center our own wants and needs.

Asking what we need out of a holiday might sound like something coming out of a Hallmark movie, but in this context, we are talking about the kinds of needs that might require special planning or accommodation to ensure they are met during the often chaotic holiday season. But simply creating a list of ‘needs’ might feel like an overly broad or abstract premise, so let’s hone in on some of the common areas where specific needs might need to be expressed during the holidays. You may find these questions inspire questions of your own, which you should feel free to add to your list!

• What are my sensory needs during the holiday season?

  • Example answers:

    • I need to avoid overly loud events as much as possible.

    • I need ways to limit how much strong smells affect me during holiday events.

    • I need a decompression space for when my senses are overwhelmed.

    • I need to be aware of the weather when dressing for events.

• What are my scheduling needs during the holiday season?

  • Example answers:

    • I need to make sure I still get to work on time every workday.

    • I need to block off two days to spend with my family.

    • I need to have enough time to keep up with my daily personal routines.

    • I need decompression time after big events.

• What are my food needs during the holiday season?

  • Example answers:

    • I need to make sure I eat enough each day.

    • I need to make sure I have enough of my safe foods to make it through the whole season.

    • I need food that I can eat at the family gathering.

    • I need to avoid eating past the point of feeling full, so I don’t feel sick later.

• What are my support network needs during the holiday season?

  • Example answers:

    • I need someone to check in every once in a while and make sure I am getting my daily routine in.

    • I need a trusted family member to help me advocate for my needs with certain difficult family members.

    • I need someone who can help me with transportation to special events.

    • I need someone who can help me adjust to my seasonal work schedule.

As important as it is to separate our needs and wants and to prioritize our needs first in certain situations, that does not make our wants any less valid or any less worth centering as we consider what we hope to get out of a holiday season. If you have regularly experienced having your needs denied during the holidays, it may feel like a challenging exercise to more deeply consider your wants, but we hope anyone who does so will continue to feel more comfortable actively considering their wants and how to meet them through self-advocacy during the holidays.

• What do I want from my family during the holiday season?

  • Example answers:

    • [a long alphabetized wishlist of presents]

    • I would like them to respect my desire not to participate in holiday events.

    • I want them to remember that loud, sudden noises stress me out instead of me having to remind them.

    • I want my grandma to make her special snickerdoodles!

• What do I want from my friends during the holiday season?

  • Example answers: 

    • I want to have a real holiday get-together with them to show how much I appreciate them.

    • I want to be able to hang out and not make it all about the holidays.

    • I want them to know that I still care about them, even if I don’t communicate much this time of year.

    • I want to plan a White Elephant gift exchange for us to do together.

• What do I want to get out of the time I choose to spend on the holiday season?

  • Example answers:

    • Enough goodwill that my family doesn’t complain about me.

    • Lots of fun presents!

    • Good new memories and hopefully not too many bad ones.

    • I want to make it through the whole thing without disrupting my schedule.

• What do I want to avoid during the holiday season?

  • Example answers:

    • Holiday music - it’s just too much, and I hate hearing it everywhere.

    • Holiday events - I would rather not go to anything if I could avoid it.

    • Arguments - I want to be able to focus on enjoying myself and not argue with anyone in my family.

    • Additional obligations - I don’t want to go to lots of extra stuff just because it’s the holidays, and I shouldn’t be expected to. Just the things I am interested in.

We hope this post has offered a helpful starting point for self-advocates seeking to center their needs and wants, whether you already had a strong idea of what those are or required some guideposts to get started. If you’d like to share your own process for figuring out your wants and needs during the holidays, then we would love to hear from you at hello@autismgrownup.com. In the meantime, we will be back next week for Part 2 to talk about changes, expectations, and obligations.