Sometimes, starting completely from scratch with a new person can feel like an impossible task if you do not already enjoy socializing for the sake of socializing, which is why it can be so helpful to find a starting point of common interests. Think about some of your personal interests. Some are probably the kind of interests that are easier to talk about, such as being a fan of a particular TV show or movie.

Others might be more conducive to active activities, such as role-playing games or team sports. Any shared interest could in theory, spark a friendship, but you probably also have a few in mind that you feel are most likely to draw the interest of other people and also qualify as an experience you’d want to share with other people.

When it comes to active activities, sometimes looking for local opportunities is the perfect place to start forging friendships. For some group activities, just getting to spend time on the same hobby with people on a regular schedule can be the basis for friendship and may lead to other social opportunities. You might, for example, start regularly attending Friday Night Magic tournaments at your local game store, and as you get to know the regulars better someone might invite you to a birthday party or a higher stakes hobby-related event that requires a more concerted group effort to attend. Alternately, some friendships might be limited to the activity itself and those can be fulfilling too.

One other framework for common interests is a shared activity that everyone can reasonably enjoy but with the primary goal of socializing. This is where we often get activities like adult kickball leagues or karaoke nights, but even introductory classes for particular activities can be a great bonding experience without the pressure of feeling like you have to know everything about the topic at hand.

Alternately, shared topical interests can be a great way to bond either by seeking them out when talking to a new person or existing friend or by going to shared affinity spaces. Those areas of shared affinity can offer established common ground with strangers as well as an anchor point to return to when needed. Knowing you have a shared interest with another person can also be great for building trust and may lead to you wanting to learn more about that person’s other interests and vice versa.

One drawback to starting with shared interests is that we don’t always engage in our hobbies with the goal of socializing, so make sure if you are going this route that you are selecting interests that you would enjoy sharing with other people!

One common way to deepen a friendship is to show personal vulnerability and let people know who you are. This can be an incredibly intimidating step, especially if you have ever had the experience of being rejected or put down after a particularly vulnerable moment!

As we mentioned in our affirmations, it is always up to you what level of vulnerability you are comfortable with in a given friendship and it is always OK to start small and open up more over time.

Nonetheless, sharing your personal experiences sends the message that you are trusting your friend with a higher degree of vulnerability and you are leaving the door open for them to be vulnerable with you when they feel comfortable doing so.

Of course even if you are comfortable with being vulnerable it can be hard to know how vulnerable to be at any given time! While there is no perfect formula because every person is different, one helpful guidepost can be to focus on more joyous and aspirational personal details early in a friendship and opening up about more challenging or unhappy moments as a friendship becomes more solidified.

It may seem self-evident that spending more time with someone is a great way to deepen your friendship bond, but how exactly does one go about doing that, particularly with someone you’ve just met?

Asking someone to hang out will always entail asking them to make some degree of commitment, but there are ways you can adjust the stakes so that it does not feel like asking so much early in the friendship, and it is possible to escalate to higher commitment situations once the friendship is more established.

1. Meeting and hanging out in a public setting.

• Early meetups with new friends can feel a bit daunting, as we may not quite feel like we really know the person yet and asking someone to visit where we live might feel a bit personal or like a big step. Asking someone to a public setting away from where you normally meet can help with getting to know them better without asking them to take a big leap. A great first step beyond wherever you initially met.

2. Inviting them to a group setting in my personal space.

• Meeting someone in their living space can be an intimidating step, and one way to take some of the edge off it is to do so in a more open-ended group setting. It could be a birthday party or a board game night or the day your friends get together and watch the game. The major benefit is getting familiar with the space without the pressure of a one-on-one interaction.

3. Inviting them to hang out in my personal space.

• Once you have established a basic comfort level with someone it’s perfectly reasonable to hang out in your personal space if you feel comfortable with it! Whether it’s chatting over parallel play or working on some project together, it’s a great way to bond that doesn’t require substantial planning.

4. Asking them to support a personal endeavor.

• This step may or may not apply to you and can be an intimidating one, but for those who have creative projects that they like to share it can be hard to know when it is reasonable to ask a friend to, for example, come to an improv show or check out your art demo. While you could in theory ask this of someone any time, your odds of success are higher when your friendship is already reasonably established.

5. Higher commitment projects or activities.

• Want to rent a hotel room and plan elaborate costumes for the big convention happening the next state over? Want to write a script and shoot a TV pilot? Even if you get along with someone incredibly well, if it is early in a friendship it is hard to commit to something big when you don’t have a strong sense of who the other person is and what it might be like to spend extended periods of time with them. At the same time this kind of activity can really cement a strong friendship and lead to even more cool trips or projects down the line, so it can be a great thing to consider as part of an established friendship.

When we are just starting out with friendships, it can often be easy to skirt topics that require more extensive communication such as personal requests or establishing boundaries.

After all friendships are meant to be fun and it can be all too easy to feel like invoking a potentially serious discussion might put too much pressure on the relationship.

It may not feel like a big deal early in the friendship to set those things aside because the stakes are lower, and there are less chances to run into a situation where such a discussion is unavoidable.

But the longer a friendship goes, the more likely that we will have to ask things of our friends, and that is especially important when it comes to personal boundaries. Nonetheless as hard as it can be to talk about such things with strangers it can be even harder to talk about it with friends sometimes. What if it affects the way that they think about me? What if they get upset? What if I’m actually wrong?

It can be hard to let go of those types of questions, even if the thing we need to talk about is really important. But when it comes to boundaries in particular, failing to talk about them can also do damage to a relationship in the long run even if it avoids the immediate conflict.

When you do not feel safe enough to have that kind of conversation with the person in question, that will eventually impact the health of your relationship and potentially be a major source of resentment. And beyond that, a good friend should be able to understand and respect personal boundaries!

So if you feel the need to communicate a boundary we strongly encourage doing so as soon as possible, even when the prospect of doing so is uncomfortable.

Requests are a different matter, as they may not be urgent and may not be something that your friend is obligated to do. Sometimes making a request can feel like an imposition, and in that spirit if you know your friend has a lot on their plate it can be a good idea not to try to add more at the most stressful times.

But it is also worth remembering that it’s OK to ask for things and that in a trusting relationship your friend can also communicate their feelings on the topic without feeling like they are attacking you. One helpful tip for facilitating these kinds of questions is normalizing saying no and establishing shared boundaries on when it is best to make requests.

If you have read our Relationships Toolkit you might have heard these two pieces of advice echoed there in a relationship context: no friendship is going to be 100% perfect all the time, but you are also allowed to decide that you are no longer happy with a friendship even if nothing is obviously wrong.

We like to pair those two pieces of advice because it is often not worth ending a friendship over just one minor issue, but if you aren’t happy you should not feel like you have to wait for a “valid enough” reason to end things.

But when you are in a shaky friendship it can be hard to see the whole situation clearly, so what are some questions we can ask ourselves when considering the future of a friendship?

Depending on your answers to some of these questions you may decide you need more clearly defined boundaries or that a given friendship is no longer worth the effort.

• Does supporting my friend make it materially harder for me to meet my own essential needs?
• Am I putting in far more time and energy than I am getting out of this friendship?
• Do I feel respected as a person in this friendship?
• Do I feel like my needs are an equal priority in this friendship?

Even if you know you are not happy with a friendship it is ultimately up to you if and how you want to end things. If you don’t feel comfortable ending it directly for one reason or another, it is perfectly valid to take a step back from a friendship so that your commitment no longer feels overwhelming.

In that sense you are not so much rejecting the person in question as you are doing what you must to attend to your own needs first, and the ways that might affect the friendship are just a necessary component of that step.

Remember, regardless of where your friendship is in the moment you are always entitled to your own boundaries, including if you feel it necessary to create new ones. If your friend cannot honor those boundaries, that is a time to consider cutting things off completely.

As we keep circling back to throughout these sections, no matter what specific advice we give every Autistic person is different and will have different experiences navigating friendships, which is why in addition to some basic guideposts and strategies for pursuing friendships we wanted to include a range of Autistic perspectives in the context of pursuing friendships.

We are always interested in adding new perspectives, so if you are aware of a shared experience from an Autistic creator that we have not included then we would love to hear about it! You can let us know by sending us an email at hello@autismgrownup.com.

If you are an Allistic ally who has read this far, you may have noticed a theme in this toolkit that Autistic people often have to walk a fine line of managing Allistic social expectations without losing sight of their own wants and needs.

You may be asking yourself how best to show your support for your current Autistic friends or potential Autistic friends while still maintaining a sense of your own autonomy and a reciprocal friendship.

This section is here to help! We are going to start by addressing a couple of common misconceptions about Autistic people when it comes to friendships and follow up with some strategies you can use both to examine your own attitudes and to navigate your friendships.

Misconception 1: Autistic people are not social.

The reality: Autistic people are social, often in their own ways.

One unfortunate reality of the language often used around Autistic people from a very young age is framing differences in the way they socialize as deficits.

While it is true that there are some social skills where Autistic people may have gaps they want to work on, such gaps and differences are often mistaken by neurotypicals as disinterest or rudeness when many Autistic people simply engage in a different way.

Perhaps the most classic example of this misconception in action is around eye contact. Many Autistic people find eye contact actively uncomfortable, and even when they attempt to make eye contact anyway to satisfy Allistic social norms they may struggle with making the right amount of eye contact at the right time.

If you ask an Autistic person they are likely to say they are engaged even when not making eye contact, but from an early age their teachers may have treated it as a problem that needs fixing and they may face social judgment for not masking their natural preferences.

One great way to be a good friend is to recognize these unreasonable standards for what they are and make sure you are not engaging in them too!

Misconception 2: Autistic people are not interested in friendships.

The reality: Autistic people are interested in friendships, and may have a different idea of what friendship looks like.

Much like with socialization, it is all too common for Allistics to notice that Autistic people do not always engage in friendships in the same fashion and due to the prevalence of Allistic social norms come away thinking that Autistic people are not interested in friendships at all.

Like with misconception 1, it is of course true that some individuals may genuinely feel this way and will say as much if asked, but the much more common reality is that Autistic people desire friendships but do not always have the same social opportunities as Allistics and may also have a different idea of what friendship entails.

As we will touch on shortly, the fact that an Autistic friend may have a different idea of what friendship entails does not mean that you have to defer to them all of the time, but it does mean you need to be careful not to assume that if they’re really your friend they’ll defer to a list a of invisible expectations that you have but never communicate. We’ll talk a little more about how and when to communicate shortly!

One great way to be a good friend is to recognize these unreasonable standards for what they are and make sure you are not engaging in them too!

Think about the whole person.

Autism is a major part of one’s identity but it’s also only part of a person’s identity. Many Allistic people make the mistake of either overly fixating on the Autistic portion of a person’s identity or carefully avoiding it like it’s a bad thing. A great way to find a good middle ground here is to let Autistic people be the driver of how much that component of their identity plays into the discussion.

Embrace it when it is brought up, but don’t force it if they don’t seem interested in talking about it. It is perfectly fine and great even to take an interest in what they have to say but always remember that they are the expert on their own identity and experiences, and it is up to them to let you in to whatever extent they feel comfortable.

Separate your needs and expectations.

We promised we would get back to how and when to communicate, and this tip is crucial for determining the when! As we mentioned above, lots of day to day social interactions are defined by Allistic social norms and it is unfair to expect Autistic people to have to adhere to every single one, but that does not mean you as an individual have to ignore your own needs or autonomy in a friendship. In fact, clearly defining your own needs is a great way to be a better friend!

The question you need to ask yourself when thinking about whether to communicate about a particular norm is whether it is a need that you personally have for reasons that you can define, or whether it is simply an expectation that you have because that is the way things usually go. In the former situation, it is perfectly reasonable to talk about your need and move the discussion forward from there. In the latter, it is worth considering just letting it go and recalibrating your expectations for this particular relationship.

Be direct when you do choose to communicate.

One common complaint from Autistics about their Allistic peers is the roundabout way in which requests are made.

For example, instead of just directly asking for a ride to the airport someone might say “I’m so excited for my trip, I’m just annoyed about paying so much for an Uber to get to the airport…” and expect their friend to offer a ride in turn.

While that might seem like a fairly obvious example, it can be even trickier when it comes to social norms.

Allistics might not only pick up on Autistic people failing to match a particular social expectation, they might subsequently try to drop hints about it and get even more annoyed when the Autistic person in question isn’t even aware there is a problem!

One way you can help with this dynamic is to just be direct about the thing you want to communicate and not put the burden on the person in question to fill in the gaps. Even if you are not in agreement, being on the same page about what is being discussed makes life so much easier.

Make sure you are actually meeting them halfway.

Allistic social norms are so baked into the way we socialize that Allistic people often do not even notice just how much the existing system favors them.

This is not your individual fault! We live in a world where many Autistic differences are still treated as deficits and while we are making some progress in that regard our implicit assumptions do not simply become unbaked overnight.

One frustrating product of this reality that many Autistic people report is that their efforts to fit in with Allistic social norms often go unnoticed to the point that when they are finally too exhausted or unable to adhere to a particular norm and ask for accommodations they are told that communication is a two-way street and they need to learn to meet people halfway.

Imagine the frustration of hearing something like that when you routinely bend over backwards and go more than halfway to meet people who then don’t make a fraction of the effort you do, all because they are so accustomed to having their expectations met that they don’t even really think about it.

In this world, genuine efforts to meet Autistic people halfway and respect their differences as valid modes of communication goes a long way toward building trust and in no way means that you have to defer on every little thing.

Be open to feedback.

Even with our advice here the bottom line is that every Autistic person is different, and being open to genuine feedback can make a huge difference in strengthening a friendship.

One thing we must always be considerate of when accepting feedback from a position of privilege is to avoid the reflex of getting defensive.

It is understandable to have that instinct sometimes - we like to think of ourselves as good people so it is not fun to hear that we may have hurt a person we care about due to our own ignorance about their experiences.

But it’s worth keeping in mind both that it’s better to feel bad finding out about a harm we committed than to keep committing that harm and that a person being willing to offer us that kind of feedback is a sign of trust that we would want to act on it and do better.

So if you are getting some harsh solicited feedback about the way you are treating an Autistic friend and that defensive feeling starts welling up, try to sit with that feedback on your own for a bit and turn it into something more constructive than your core gut reaction, whether that’s honing in on what is really making you feel uncomfortable or finding a way to focus on addressing the concern.

Caregivers who have read this far and have had the experience of supporting an Autistic person through their life may simultaneously feel acutely aware of many of the challenges the Autistic person in their life faces when navigating friendships and worry about all of the hidden challenges that aren’t immediately apparent to someone playing a supporting role.

Many more certainly wonder about finding the right balance between showing strong support and avoiding being overly intrusive or disrupting their personal autonomy. If you find yourself in this situation here are some tips worth considering as you navigate together!

There are many valid types of friendships.

One common refrain of this toolkit is the prevalence of Allistic norms around socializing, and caregivers are not immune to these biases! One way such biases can manifest is judging an Autistic person’s existing friendships for not more closely resembling an Allistic friendship dynamic.

A classic example is parallel play, which may seem on the outside like a form of disengagement but in reality can be a genuine and important form of bonding between neurodivergent friends. The examples you come across in your experience might not be so clean cut and just seem a bit off for a reason you can’t quite put your finger on.

While we always encourage making sure a given situation is safe, as long as safety is accounted for you do not have to have the final word on what a particular friendship looks like. Autistic people need to be able to seek out the types of friendships that they find fulfilling!

There is no one right setting for friendships.

Another classic framing around policing friendships is the setting in which the friendships occur. In this day and age the most common complaint is about online friendships, which are often seen as less “legitimate” than friendships started in a physical space. Some parents might even discourage their children from engaging in online spaces at all. Much like in the last section, it is of course important to account for safety, but making value judgments about online friendships can be just as hurtful as those made about friendships in the physical world that appear to be different from the norm.

For many people, online spaces are among the most comfortable, whether it’s because it’s hard to find lots of local people who share the same interests or methods of online communication fit better with that person’s style or a combination. If you are in active conversation with the person you are supporting about their friendships, be careful not to assign value judgment to the context in which those friendships were forged.

Seek out socializing opportunities but do not put too much weight on any one opportunity.

As we have noted throughout the toolkit, one persistent gap Autistic people do face in the course of seeking out friendships throughout their lives is a lack of social opportunities relative to their Allistic peers.

In that sense, one thing that a caregiver can do to help the Autistic person they are supporting is identify potential social opportunities and enable their participation and attendance.

However, it is also important to remember that the operative term is “social opportunities (plural)” and that no one event or meetup is going to be the big difference maker no matter how interesting you personally may find it.

That could mean the person you are supporting goes and doesn’t like it, but it could also mean that they’re not all that interested in some opportunities at all and that needs to be OK.

Having more social opportunities combined with the freedom to both say no and to make mistakes can be a genuine difference maker in taking advantage of wanted social opportunities in the future!

Remember that you are a team - and they are the captain.

Ultimately, each Autistic person should be in charge of how they want to live their own lives, and part of that is the extent to which they want your help with this particular challenge.

Some Autistic people may feel squeamish about the idea of involving their parents in their social life at all and that is perfectly fine!

Others may want advice sometimes but also resent unsolicited advice or advice that fails to acknowledge the additional challenges they face. Let the person you are supporting take the lead on these things and when in doubt better to ask.

At the end here we also wanted to add a small section for teachers and professionals in recognition of the way that our school and community settings can have a real impact on our social outcomes later in life.

In the spirit of recognizing some of the challenges that Autistics do sometimes face in school when it comes to socializing, here are a couple of ways that professionals can show their support early in the hope of encouraging healthier outcomes later in life.

Avoid treating social differences as deficits.

As we have alluded to many times throughout this toolkit, Allistic social norms are so ingrained into our culture that the differences in Autistic people are often treated as deficits by default, and Allistic people are not always even actively aware of this phenomena.

One step you can take as a teacher or professional is trying to maintain more of an awareness of this dynamic and putting a stop to enforcing Allistic norms such as eye contact as the “correct way” and instead focus on ways that Autistic people can navigate social situations while still centering their own needs.

Seek out and create more socializing opportunities.

Another reality that we alluded to multiple times is that even as socializing becomes more difficult for Autistic adults who have left school, many Autistic people also did not receive many social opportunities in school in comparison to those of their Allistic peers.

While no individual teacher or professional can close that gap by themselves, they can seek out or attempt to create more opportunities for social interaction whether it is a lunch bunch, ensuring Autistic inclusion in special school events, or actively creating social groups that center Autistic people.

The best opportunities will likely depend on the situation at your school, but keeping an eye out and advocating for Autistics when you see an opportunity can make a real difference when it comes to managing future social opportunities!

Here are some more resources for you to explore on this topic area. Note that not all information presented on these sites is neurodiversity-affirming. 

Research

Friendship quality among autistic and non-autistic (pre-) adolescents: Protective or risk factor for mental health?

Autism

Social Networks and Friendships at School: Comparing Children With and Without ASD

Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders

The Kind of Friend I Think I Am: Perceptions of Autistic and Non-autistic Young Adults

Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders

Videos

Autism & Friendships

The Thought Spot

How to Make Friends As An Autistic Adult

Mom on the Spectrum

3 Qualities of Lasting Friendships (Making and Keeping Autistic Friends)

Autism from the Inside

Female Friendships through an Autistic woman’s eyes

The Thought Spot

Autistic struggles with friendship

Morgan Foley

Autism & Friendships

Stephanie Bethany