January 5, 2026 Team AGU

Relationships Toolkit - Online Version

Introduction Let’s Focus On Autistic Dating Experiences Resources to Share with Allistic Partners What Do You Want Out of a Relationship? Self-Reflection Questions What are you looking for in a relationship? 1. What are some qualities I find important in a partner? 2. What comes to mind when I think about my “ideal” relationship outcome? 3. What parts of dating and relationships do I most enjoy? 4. What are some ways I can try to mitigate parts of relationships I find most stressful? 5. In what contexts do I feel most comfortable seeking out potential relationships and why? 6. In what contexts do I feel least comfortable seeking out potential relationships and why? 7. What relationship-building skills do I feel I excel at? 8.What relationship-building skills do I want to work on? 9. What relationship-building skills would I rather avoid entirely? Are you getting everything you need from your current relationship? 1. What are some ways that my partner helps me feel fulfilled in my relationship? 2. Are there any ways I wish I could feel more fulfilled in my relationship? 3. Are there any ways I feel frustrated about my relationship? 4. Do I ever worry about my relationship? What makes me worry? 5. Do I ever feel unsafe in my relationship? 6. Am I happy in my relationship? Why or why not? 7. What do I think about when I consider the future of my relationship? Relationship Concepts & Strategies Focus on communication. No relationship is perfect… Be mindful of personal safety when using the internet or dating apps. Keep an eye out for red flags. On being yourself and the decision to disclose. Section for Caregivers: Supporting an Autistic Person Seeking a Relationship For More Information

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Introduction

Being able to date and have relationships is an important goal for many autistic adults. At the same time, navigating the world of dating and seeking out potential partners can be challenging and subject to a whole slew of allistic social norms that can change and shift depending on your approach.

A June 2020 study from Deakin University suggests that autistic adults are just as interested in relationships as their allistic peers, but “reported fewer opportunities to meet potential new partners, had shooter relationship duration, and greater concern about their future relationships.” The study further suggested that the disparity in opportunities was not merely a matter of social difference, and that autistic adults “reported learning less about sexuality from their peers and experiencing greater anxiety when meeting a potential partner.”

In other words, many autistic adults want to date and have relationships but don’t have as many chances to do so, and many don’t feel well equipped to act on the opportunities they do get.

While no experience is universal and many autistic adults feel comfortable navigating the world of dating and relationships on their terms, if you find yourself feeling anxious and confused about the norms and challenges around dating then you are certainly not alone!

Our goal in sharing this toolkit is to help the whole concept of dating and relationships feel a little less opaque, offer some context and frameworks that help make self-advocacy in the context of a relationship feel a little bit easier, and some basic guideposts you can use to help you decide whether you are pursuing the type of relationship you want or whether you are getting all you need out of an existing relationship.

One thing this guide does not do is offer what we will call for our purposes “pick-up strategies.” As if it weren’t already hard enough to date, there are many relationship gurus out there who will tell you that you can be successful dating as soon as you figure out how to fit into their particular mold. These strategies can often be a trap, as even if we can successfully act like someone else when we are dating, that will just attract people who are interested in the fake version of ourselves rather than the real us.

As we will discuss later, that is not the formula for a happy long term relationship. What’s worse is if you struggle to get “results” with a given guru’s advice, the response will almost always be that you simply have not succeeded in fitting the mold well enough, and that the only solution is to double down on a strategy that already isn’t working. If anything this outcome is better for the relationship guru in question as it keeps you on the hook and consuming their content.

Instead of offering that type of strategy, our goal is to help clarify some frameworks around dating and help readers establish their own goals and sense of agency in deciding what they want out of a relationship. Establishing your own agency as you seek out a person who is right for you can make a huge difference in your experience. Finding dating opportunities may or may not get any easier, but it can help with more easily deciding whether a given opportunity is right for you and where to allocate your time and energy.

Dating will always have its challenges, but we hope this toolkit will help you feel more confident navigating those challenges with a knowledge of your own needs and goals so you can get to all the parts that can make dating and relationships such a wonderful and fulfilling experience.

A Quick Note for Allistic Partners and Caregivers

While this toolkit is primarily focused on autistic adults independently navigating relationships, we have also included a section of resources for allistic partners as well as a section for caregivers seeking for ways to show an appropriate level of support in a relationship and dating context. Feel free to share these sections with anyone you think may find them to be beneficial!

Let’s Focus On

The world of dating is incredibly vast and every person is going to have unique needs and perspectives when it comes to approaching dating, which is why we believe one of the most helpful areas of focus for a relationships toolkit is to focus on strategies for establishing one’s own needs and preferences.

The reason we spend some time digging into norms around dating and trying to make them feel less opaque is that as a general rule autistic adults are hugely underserved when it comes to getting information about dating and sexuality. The linked study above notes that it is a fairly recent development for allistic-centered social and educational institutions to even acknowledge that autistic adults have a right to seek out sexual relationships, let alone offer relevant materials that account for differences.

"[Many Autistic adults] had less access to peers and friends, engaged in more unacceptable behaviors in attempting to initiate romantic relationships, and persisted in their pursuit of the relationship even when non-mutual interests were evident.”

Urbano, Hartmann, Deutsch, Polychronopoulos, & Dorbin (2013)

It is no surprise that in a world that rarely takes the time to account for the reality that many autistic people want to pursue relationships, that autistic people would face a wide and disproportionate array of challenges in seeking out dating opportunities. Despite the reality of these challenges, no autistic adult should feel precluded from pursuing meaningful relationships and dating like their allistic peers.

Autistic Dating Experiences

One challenge of dating as an autistic adult is that so many of the popular narratives, guidelines, and experiences about dating do not center or reflect autistic experiences. While it is obviously not impossible to relate to certain parts of allistic or neurotypical dating narratives, seeing dating solely through that lens can quite understandably lead people who don’t have those experiences to think that something might be wrong with them, or that they are the ones who must change if their reality does not reflect the stories they hear. That’s before we even get into the reality that not every autistic person has the same life experience and may not relate to every autistic perspective!

That is why in this section we have compiled some experiences from a range of autistic content creators, with a brief description of each so that you can have a sense of what you are getting into with each video. If you’ve found yourself having a hard time relating to allistic narratives around dating, one of these videos may be right for you!

A quick note on this collection of videos:

As you will be able to tell from checking out our compilation, even the variety of videos we currently have do not cover the wide range of experiences and backgrounds that autistic people can come from that can impact a person's dating life. In the interest of continuing to compile relevant experiences, if you have a creator or resource you would like to share that includes backgrounds or experiences that our current compilation does not cover then we would love to hear from you! Please drop us a line at hello@autismgrownup.com and let us know who you would like to see included!

YoSamdySam - Autistic Dating Advice

This is a fairly brief clip in which Sam shares a little bit of her perspective on dating as someone who married in her 20s, as well as a core piece of advice about being yourself that we firmly agree with and will talk about in more depth later in this toolkit!

Amy Gravino- Why Autism is Sexier Than You Think It Is

Amy delivers a TED talk discussing her experience exploring her sexuality as an autistic person, the broader stigma against talking about autistic sexuality, and some common stereotypes around autistic sexuality.

illymation- Dating (when you’re autistic)

This video from autistic cartoonist illymation covers some of her experiences navigating dating and a neurodivergent relationship, including several anecdotes about noteworthy challenges she faced.

illymation- Crushes, rejection, and break ups

In this video illymation shares some stories about her experiences with romance growing up, as well as some lessons she learned about how to approach relationships.

Autism From The Inside - Dating Tips for Autistic People (When to Drop the Mask)

Paul Micallef offers some dating tips based on his perspective and strategies navigating online dating as an autistic adult prior to meeting his wife. In particular he focuses on how we was able to identify which potential connections seemed like the best match for him, and giving himself permission to decide when someone isn’t right for him. His advice on dropping the mask echoes Yo Samdy Sam’s advice about being yourself!

YoSamdySam - How to identify manipulation - and what to do about it

Sam discusses emotional manipulation in the context of relationships and ways to navigate those red flags.

I’m Autistic, Now What? - Autism, Sex, and Relationships (Reaction to Jubilee)

Meg reacts to autistic people sharing their dating experiences contrasting with her own, while also critiquing some of the frameworks that the creators of the video include that aren’t necessarily centering a range of autistic perspectives. It is worth noting that while the respondents in the critiqued video are autistic, the company creating the video is not directly affiliated with any autistic cause and creates lots of videos in a similar format talking to people from many different backgrounds about different topics.

Orion Kelly - That Autistic Guy - The Sex Lives of Autistic People

Orion explores the wide variety of sexualities that autistic people can identify with or experience and shares some of his own experiences discovering his sexuality as an autistic person.

How to ADHD - Making Relationships Work: The Unique Challenge ADHD & Autism Create

Jessica and Raffael discuss navigating each other’s differences as a neurodivergent couple via the concept of accommodations. While Jessica’s channel is primarily ADHD focused, Raffael is AuDHD and they periodically release videos related to navigating their relationships and the challenges that come with it.

Organization for Autism Research - Sex Ed for Self-Advocates

We especially want to highlight this valuable resource from OAR, which goes beyond sharing individual perspectives and offers a 9 part course on dating and sex. As OAR will tell you, even this sizeable resource can’t hope to cover every topic related to sexuality nor is it a replacement for a sex ed curriculum, but it is a great starting point for autistic adults who feel their sex education experience was not adequate and is looking for some new guideposts to build a better sense of understanding. As valuable as it can be to hear the experiences of other individuals, this resource focuses on the facts and covers a range of topics that no individual could reasonably be expected to cover by just talking about their own life experiences.

Resources to Share with Allistic Partners

While we are on the topic of sharing resources, one thing many autistic people may encounter when navigating the dating world is ending up in a relationship with an allistic partner. Such relationships are often wonderful, but differences between autistic and allistic people combined with the common allistic expectation that their interpretation of social norms is the societal default can lead to conflict.

As many autistics already know, communication and relationship building is a two-way street, but all too often that framework is used to put most of the burden on the autistic person to always be the flexible one. We offer these resources as a starting point to share with allistic partners who want to do the work of truly meeting you halfway but might need some help.

A quick note for allistic readers: as many of the content creators sharing their experiences will say, these are all individual perspectives that can help shed some light on how best to support an autistic partner but are not universal experiences. That does not mean you cannot learn from these videos, but if your partner states that their experience contradicts something you have learned here then you should trust what your partner has to say about themselves.

Purple Ella - Tips For Romantic Relationships With Autistic Partners

Purple Ella reflects on some experiences from her 18 year marriage, the challenges she and her partner navigated before and after she discovered her autistic identity, and offers 5 tips to help with the communication components of relationships. She does an excellent job of explaining why she and her husband sometimes come from different places with communication and ways they have been able to overcome those challenges.

Woodshed Theory - How to Date an Autistic Girl | Tips from the Source

Claire offers her experiences and some tips specifically from the context of dating autistic women. Another good combination of tips, explaining the why, and offering some specific examples of how it might apply in certain scenarios. In particular she offers some perspective on how the concept of special interests and dating can sometimes intersect in her experience and lead to stronger attachment earlier in the relationship than an allistic partner might be accustomed to.

Thomas Henley - Making Your Autistic Partner HAPPY!

This is just one video from a whole series of videos from Thomas covering a wide range of topics related to dating an autistic person, ranging from overcoming touch sensitivity to explaining the concept of autism shutdown. This particular video covers some proactive steps allistic partners can take to make navigating a relationship more comfortable and enjoyable for an autistic partner as well as explaining some of the underlying reasoning as to why taking those steps are important.

Autism From the Inside - Are You Dating an Autistic Person? Here’s How to Support Your Partner

This video covers a mix of topics, including how to approach the topic if you think your partner may be autistic but they do not identify that way. While some tips may not be as applicable if you are in a relationship with someone who already knows they are autistic and openly identifies that way, he does offer a valuable lesson about the difference between wanting to ‘diagnose’ or ‘fix’ someone and wanting to know them and their needs better.

What Do You Want Out of a Relationship?

Self-Reflection Questions

If you are familiar with our toolkits you may be aware that we often include questionnaires designed to spur thinking about your own situation, spelling out your goals, and identifying areas of need. In the context of relationships, the framing of these types of questions can vary depending on whether you are seeking a relationship or actively in one. That is why we are including one questionnaire focused on questions for people seeking a relationship and one for people currently in a relationship. Feel free to use the questionnaire(s) that feels most relevant to you at this time!

What are you looking for in a relationship?

Two major components of seeking out a relationship are often determining the things that are most important to you and figuring out how to meet people who might be a good match. These questions will primarily focus on laying out your goals and needs regarding what you want and how you want to approach dating in general.

1. What are some qualities I find important in a partner?

Example answers:

Caring, open-minded, financially responsible
Funny, good listener, committed to personal growth
Thoughtful, compassionate, shares similar personal values
Vegetarian, curious, loves movies
Stylish, supportive, not too deeply rooted where we currently live
Handy, kind, enjoys going out on weekends

2. What comes to mind when I think about my “ideal” relationship outcome?

Example answers:

Married with children in our own home.
Being able to spend time with someone who understands me and around whom I can be myself.
Someone I can occasionally connect with but also maintain my own space.
I feel like I haven’t dated enough to know exactly what I want.

3. What parts of dating and relationships do I most enjoy?

Example answers:

Getting to know someone on a deeper personal level.
Having someone to share cool experiences with.
Having someone to hang out with all the time.
Having a fulfilling intimate physical connection with someone.

4. What are some ways I can try to mitigate parts of relationships I find most stressful?

Example answers:

Share lots of information about myself in my dating profile so people who don’t like those things can move along.
Establish a relationship milestone after which I feel more comfortable sharing highly personal information.
Set rules for myself about how much time I spend with a potential partner early in the relationship before there is a strong mutual commitment.
Ending potential relationships early if the person shows signs of ignoring or testing my boundaries.
Setting rules around where and when I am willing to meet strangers.
Coordinating with my support network to check in at a frequency I am comfortable with.

5. In what contexts do I feel most comfortable seeking out potential relationships and why?

Example answers:

I prefer dating apps because when you match with someone you both at least know you are interested in each other and can talk on that basis.
I prefer going to bars and singles events because people are there to meet potential partners but you get the benefit of being able to just talk.
I prefer to make friendships which could in some cases turn into something more romantic because friends are great and I’m more likely to connect with someone I already know!
I like to meet people when engaging in my hobbies or personal interests, as I like that we have something we can talk about right away.

6. In what contexts do I feel least comfortable seeking out potential relationships and why?

Example answers:

I dislike dating apps because each one seems to have different social norms and it always feels like I’m doing the wrong thing or implying something I didn’t intend.
I dislike bars and singles events because they are so loud and crowded and even though people are there to meet it’s so hard to just approach a stranger like that.
I dislike pursuing romantic relationships with my friends because it can lead to drama and fracture the friend group.
I dislike meeting people when engaging in my hobbies because I am in those spaces to focus on my hobbies, not to find a partner.

7. What relationship-building skills do I feel I excel at?

Example answers:

I love learning about people’s interests and think I’m a great listener.
I really know what I want and am good at judging when it’s time to move on or take things further.
I am great at being myself from the start and not worrying if that means some people won’t think I’m a good match.

8.What relationship-building skills do I want to work on?

Example answers:

I want to get better at identifying red flags before I become too committed.
I feel like I could paint a better picture of myself in my dating profile but I’m not sure where to start.
I wish I knew what to talk about on first dates.

9. What relationship-building skills would I rather avoid entirely?

Example answers:

I don’t want to have to figure out correct eye contact etiquette.
I’d rather take the risk of being direct than learning all the double meanings in relationship language.
I am not interested in trying to pick up strangers.

Are you getting everything you need from your current relationship?

One crucial component of being in a relationship is checking in with yourself from time to time to see whether your needs are being met, whether any of your needs have changed, and your comfort level within the relationship. It is likewise important to check in with your partner(s) to see how they feel about those same questions. Because these questions are honing in on the question of satisfaction in a relationship, we want to emphasize that no relationship is 100% perfect all the time and that when something is wrong there are many potential ways to address it.

While you should always feel empowered to end a relationship that is not right for you, the focus of this questionnaire is to hone in on those needs and deciding on the best course of action to ensure they are met.

We also want to emphasize that while there are types of unhealthy relationship dynamics that exist in the world, this questionnaire does not aim to put a specific label on any relationship, but rather focus on the components of your relationship that are important to you and to your partner. With that little disclaimer out of the way let’s dive into the questions! Feel free to use this questionnaire to check in on yourself or to answer along with your partner so you can check in with each other.

1. What are some ways that my partner helps me feel fulfilled in my relationship?

Example answers:

She makes sure we get to spend good quality time together even when she is busy.
He listens when I am having a hard day and helps me feel better.
They’re always finding little ways to make me feel special.

2. Are there any ways I wish I could feel more fulfilled in my relationship?

Example answers:

I want there to be more nights that are set aside for us to spend time together.
I wish we could have more personal intimacy with each other.
I want us to take more trips together.

3. Are there any ways I feel frustrated about my relationship?

Example answers:

I feel like I am the one most often doing emotional labor and don’t get the same kind of support in return.

4. Do I ever worry about my relationship? What makes me worry?

Example answers:

Sometimes I worry our relationship has become too routine and my partner will get bored.
I worry that my partner is not evolving with me as I grow and change over the years.
I plan to move after grad school and I’m not sure what my partner plans to do.

5. Do I ever feel unsafe in my relationship?

Example answers:

No, I always feel safe with my partner even when we disagree.
I often feel like I can’t share all of my feelings with my partner for fear of how they will handle it.
Yes I often worry about how my partner will react to things.

Relationship Safety

For many of these questions we like to emphasize that no relationship is perfect 100% of the time and that if you are otherwise happy in a relationship it's often a good idea to try to work through things. One exception to this is if you do not feel safe in your relationship, in which case we strongly encourage prioritizing your safety over the relationship itself.

6. Am I happy in my relationship? Why or why not?

Example answers:

I am very happy in my relationship!
I am usually happy but I wish we could work on a few things.
There are lots of things I like about my relationship but I have been more unhappy lately.
I am not happy with the way things are now and I worry it won’t get better.

7. What do I think about when I consider the future of my relationship?

Example answers:

I don’t really know, nothing specific comes to mind.
I think about moving in together and eventually marrying and having children.
We both expect this relationship will just be for the summer as I will be moving in the fall.

Relationship Concepts & Strategies

Because every person is different and so many people are coming from different places when approaching dating and relationships, it can be difficult to fit any one particular set of concepts or ideas as universally applicable to anyone seeking to find a romantic partner. Instead of trying to create a universal dating guide, we have gathered together brief overviews of some common concepts and strategies related to dating that you can pick and choose based on what’s most relevant to your current situation.

While your own personal context will always be a vital factor in decisions you make regarding dating, these concepts may serve as helpful guideposts for when you aren’t sure where to start on a particular topic or feel like you might be getting contradictory messaging from different people in your life.

Focus on communication.

One of the most common pieces of advice you will hear from couples who have been together for a long time is that communication is key. But what does that actually mean? Do we need to be blunt all the time with our partner about every potential topic that comes up? Do we always need to be available to talk?

After all, it stands to reason that most people think they do a pretty good job communicating, but there are still relationships out there with communication problems. So what are some guideposts when it comes to what is important to communicate? We suggest a few here as a strong starting point:

Establishing mutual needs:

One common pitfall of relationships comes when people expect their partner to intuitively understand all their needs and become more frustrated over time as those needs aren’t met.

It can be doubly challenging when some of those expectations are rooted in dating social norms that not everyone may share or understand!

Making the active choice to communicate needs that have not yet been shared, even ones that might feel a little obvious, can be a big difference maker in a healthy relationship!

Please note that there is a difference between communicating a need and having to constantly remind a partner of a need that has already been communicated many times.

Establishing boundaries:

While it is extremely important to establish and share boundaries related to personal comfort and safety, in this context we are also talking about lower stakes boundaries that help you maintain the energy that you can put into your relationship versus other facets of your life.

For example, one common boundary in many relationships is the importance of having some alone time. Not just how much alone time you need, but what constitutes alone time, whether you can tolerate an occasional interruption, and when you might need more than usual.

Whatever boundaries are important to you in a relationship it is important for a committed partner to respect them, just as it is important for you to respect theirs.

While some boundaries are simple, communicating your needs around boundaries when they are more complex will make it that much easier for your partner to respect your needs!

Navigating differences:

No matter how much we might have in common with a romantic partner, no two people are exactly the same and sometimes difference leads to friction.

While there is nothing wrong with a little bit of friction in a relationship, it can also be crucial to take steps to show we respect our partner’s differences even if we have our own feelings about things. That is where communication is key!

You and your partner may both have thoughts on what will help you feel respected in your differences and communicating those feelings can go a long way toward allowing you to feel comfortable in your differences and like simply broaching the topic isn’t going to start an argument.

Navigating difficult moments:

It is almost inevitable in the course of a relationship that there will be some difficult moments that come up, whether because of the actions of a person in the relationship or circumstances that nobody can control. It can be sorely tempting to sweep such moments under the rug and try to pretend everything is fine, but that is simply kicking the can down the road to when something else triggers an unresolved issue.

These are the moments that can really test our commitment to communication, as some conversations may be difficult now but are hugely important to the long term health of the relationship. If you find yourself avoiding challenging conversations with your partner, that is an important place to work on communicating.

No relationship is perfect…

In the course of learning about all the different strategies and techniques one might employ to find a romantic partner and navigate a relationship, some people might feel a sense of pressure like they need to do everything right or the relationship simply will not work out. Or if something goes wrong in a relationship that has otherwise been great so far that means it’s not going to last.

We want to reassure you in this section that just because something goes wrong in a relationship does not mean you immediately need to consider ending things or immediately solve the problem.

Sometimes problems can’t be solved right away and sometimes there might be elements of our relationships that we think could be better, even though overall we know we are happy!

As important as it is to try to address potential concerns in a relationship context, you shouldn’t feel pressured to be perfect in every way nor should you expect your partner to be perfect all the time.

The most important thing is whether the relationship makes you happy, and to that point…

…but you can choose to end a relationship when it no longer feels right for you.

…the flipside of the idea that no relationship is perfect is that some people might feel pressured to try to make a relationship work until it is completely unbearable, which can be incredibly hurtful in its own right.

The important denominator in any relationship and whether you want to be in it is if you are happy, and whether the things that don’t feel right are things you think are worth taking the time to try to resolve in a meaningful way.

The most important rule in any relationship is that each individual can choose to leave, and their reasoning does not have to reach some arbitrary objective threshold to be “valid.”

Sometimes people don’t even have specific complaints about a relationship and simply feel like it’s not right for them anymore!

When considering the ups and downs of your own relationship, one of the most liberating feelings can be to remember that there are no hard rules, just the things that matter to you.

While your personal feelings and standards do not guarantee you will always land in the exact relationship you want, they do mean that you never have to be in a relationship that you don’t want.

Be mindful of personal safety when using the internet or dating apps.

In acknowledging the wide variety of dating apps and other social media platforms on which a person can make connections and seek out potential romantic partners, it is also important to acknowledge that meeting people this way can involve a lot of unknowns, and in situations with other people where there are a lot of unknowns it can be helpful to establish some protocols for ensuring your personal safety.

Here are a few common ways people try to account for personal safety when navigating online dating spaces.

Always meet in a well trafficked public area for a first date and do not agree to meet privately until a level of trust can be established.
View anyone who uses dating apps to ask for money or to visit a particular website with a huge amount of skepticism.
Before dates text all the pertinent details to a trusted member of your support network and establish check in times to ensure things are going smoothly.
Do not agree to travel large distances to unfamiliar places to meet a partner until a deep level of trust has been established.
- For example if you meet someone online who lives in another state, wait at minimum until you can be certain this person is who they say they are.
Do not share personal information that you would not be comfortable sharing with a stranger on the street until you have established a level of trust that feels reasonable to you.

Keep an eye out for red flags.

Beyond online dating, one other potential danger of dating is a partner who treats you poorly or puts you in difficult situations that you didn’t ask for.

While it is never the fault of the person being treated poorly in a relationship for not ‘spotting the signs,’ it can nonetheless be helpful to keep an eye out for red flags that might indicate a person will act that way down the line.

Even if you do not make an immediate decision on the relationship based on the red flag you spotted, it can still help you avoid getting too invested to the point that it becomes harder to end things once the person in question shows their true colors.

It is worth noting that red flags exist for all sorts of behaviors ranging from generally unkind to outright abusive, and that you are the best judge of what stands out to you in the moment. Some common examples of important red flags:

Ignoring or testing small boundaries to see if you will assert yourself.Not listening to or reflexively belittling your perspective on a topic, especially those that are important to you.
Constantly complaining about how terrible all of their exes were and comparing them to you.
Denying your personal boundary or need on the basis that it’s “not how relationships work.”
Gets upset with you for circumstances that are beyond either of your control.
Making offhanded negative comments about you.
- A quick note: Some people do like to tease each other about little things as a way of flirting, which is perfectly OK as long as both parties enjoy it!
- One way to tell whether a person is going beyond just friendly banter is whether you are having fun when it happens, and whether they listen if you ask them to stop.
Regularly blows off dates with you or shows a general lack of respect for the value of your time.
Belittles your appearance or tries to change your habits on the basis that they find it annoying or unattractive.

On being yourself and the decision to disclose.

If you’ve followed us through all the sections so far, you may have noticed that we alluded to some advice on being yourself and that it’s something we’d clarify further.

The reason we want to clarify this piece of advice is that “be yourself” can often come across as a mixed message and when delivered in certain contexts can be a huge source of frustration. While being yourself is indeed helpful dating advice, it is not because it guarantees you will get more dates or be able to date the exact person you want.

Sometimes in the short term being yourself can make things harder! But if your goal is a long term relationship then being yourself is good advice because the alternative is having to mask for the duration of your relationship.

Early on in a relationship it can be tempting to hide certain parts of ourselves for the sake of making the conversation go more smoothly and it doesn’t feel like that big of a deal when we are just meeting up with someone every once in a while and then can go back to our own lives. But if the goal of a relationship is for it to last, that means you will start spending more and more time together to the point where you will either have to finally share your truth or hide your true self forever.

This dynamic can be especially pressing for people deciding on whether to disclose that they are autistic. To be clear, you are never under any obligation to disclose to anyone that you are autistic if you are not comfortable doing so. But unlike, say, in a work context, we highly recommend that in a relationship you disclose when you feel confident that it’s something you want to pursue long term.

The reason why it can be so much more crucial in a relationship is that while we can go home after a day at the office and unwind by being ourselves, if we are hiding ourselves around our partner we will have to do it day in and day out with little opportunity for respite.

So while you are always in control of who you want to share your identity with, it is worth asking yourself when you would feel comfortable sharing your identity, and furthermore if you don’t think you’ll ever feel comfortable sharing your identity with another person asking yourself if that is the right relationship for you.

To be clear, being true to yourself does not mean you have to share every little thing about yourself right away. It is more about acknowledging that the cost of hiding some central aspect of yourself in a relationship is higher than it might initially seem.

Section for Caregivers:

Supporting an Autistic Person Seeking a Relationship

If you are a parent or caregiver reading this toolkit, you may be wondering how best to support the autistic person or people you are supporting in their pursuit of romantic relationships. The short but understandably frustrating answer is that it does depend on the person as everyone has different needs when it comes to relationships.

As with many aspects of living as an adult, creating an open line of communication in which the person you are supporting feels free to come to you for things like situational advice, help with executive functioning components of maintaining a relationship, learning some of the basics, or more direct interventions is a great place to start! The more you can keep that line of trust and communication the more you will be able to address the specific individualized needs that will matter to the person in question.

With that said, and particularly for parents and caregivers who worry that the person they are supporting did not receive adequate education regarding sex, dating, and relationships, we also want to include some more generalized resources that can be both guideposts for how you approach the topic and include informational resources that you can share with the autistic person or people you are supporting.

Sexuality Resource For Parents and Neurodiverse* Adults

A compilation of resources related to sex education for autistic people. It includes some resources related to sex education and some resources explaining why sex education is important for autistic adults.

*Please note that while this is a valuable compilation of resources, we do want to point out that this is an incorrect use of the term neurodiverse and the correct word to use in this context would be neurodivergent.

A Note To Parents from the Organization for Autism Research

If you checked out our link to the Sex Ed for Self-Advocates resource earlier in the toolkit, you may have noticed a letter to parents explaining why that page is written for autistic adults, a quick rundown of what it offers and its limitations, and some general advice for parents and caregivers around the topic of sex education. While the letter itself is not a comprehensive resource targeted at parents it can be worth a read, especially from the perspective of the importance of centering autistic people’s autonomy.

For More Information

Here are some more resources for you to explore on this topic area. Note that not all information presented on these sites is neurodiversity-affirming.